Private Lives: How can I stop myself bursting into tears during disputes at work?

• Published in: The Guardian (London)
• Main Author: William West, Sue Clark, Claudia Schmid, Amanda Parkyn
• Format: Newspaper Article
• Language: English
• Published: London (UK) Guardian News & Media Limited 01.12.2000
• ISSN: 0261-3077

I am a university professor and my solution to weeping at work has been to redefine the problem as part of the new-style workplace. In the old-style workplace, when things got stressful, people were likely to shout and swear, insult each other and generally become angry in ways which left a legacy of distrust and dislike. How much less destructive it is if stress can be expressed in tears. I always try to make it clear that the tears are not a sign of weakness and indecision - if anything, they represent a determination to see the issue through. I am aware that other people may find them embarrassing, but they just have to put up with that - after all, someone getting angry is quite embarrassing too. My worry is that some people define tears as a form of manipulation, and to them I can only say that it is impossible for me to "turn tears on" at will. I recognise that it would be better not to cry - but I do think that crying has some positive aspects. At the very least, it signals that the situation is stressful and it gives everyone a break. So tears can be constructive. My own work suggests that a good way of getting out of the recurring pattern you describe is to cast doubt on your "I'm being personally criticised/unfairly treated" interpretation by practising thinking "perhaps I'm not being criticised or unfairly treated". This can free you to deal with it in either of two ways: firstly by putting your initial interpretation "on hold" (after all, your interpretation could be wrong!). This will enable you to take what is being said at face value, as information to be explored with the other person, eg, "When you said X, did you mean . . . ?" And secondly by checking publicly with the other person whether your initial interpretation was correct, as follows: "I felt criticised when you said X . . . did you mean it that way?/I feel unfairly treated because (give reasons) . . . do you see it that way?" This will enable you to respond to what the other person really thinks.