“I hate all the children, especially mine”: Applying relational dialectics theory to examine the experiences of formerly childfree regretful parents

• Published in: Journal of social and personal relationships Vol. 40; no. 11; pp. 3781 - 3799
• Main Authors: Hintz, Elizabeth A., Scharp, Kristina M.
• Format: Journal Article
• Language: English
• Published: London, England SAGE Publications 01.11.2023; Sage Publications Ltd
• Subjects: Children; Dialectics; Discourses; Marginality; Parents & parenting; Policy making; Regret; Transformation; parenthood; family or families; qualitative methods; dominant culture; power; communication; fear of missing out; Child free by choice
• ISSN: 0265-4075; 1460-3608
• DOI: 10.1177/02654075231194363

Guided by relational dialectics theory (RDT), we analyzed 85 first-person testimonials of parental regret written by users of the /r/childfree subreddit. We interrogated how competing discourses animate what it means to be a parent (our semantic object). Contrapuntal analysis revealed dominant and marginalized Discourses of Parenting as Heaven (DPHN) and Parenting as Hell on Earth (DPHL), respectively, as well as a third Discourse of Parenting as (the Only) Choice (DPOC). We identified three kinds of dialogically contractive practices including a new form we call fear of missing out (FOMO), two forms of diachronic separation, four forms of synchronic interplay including a new form we introduce (i.e., allying) that is useful when more than two discourses compete, and one form of dialogic transformation. We argue that FOMO serves as a catalyst for diachronic separation. We offer practical implications for fencesitters (those “on the fence” about having children), counselors, and policymakers.